this is what a suicidal person sounds like.

I felt compelled to sit down and write because I’ve been more suicidal recently than I have been in some time. Last year when I was going through SSRI withdrawal and an enormous upheaval of my entire life at the same time, I was also quite suicidal. I honestly don’t remember if I addressed it directly - it would have been around the time that I started this website. That was a different flavor of nuts. That was almonds, this year it’s cashews.

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That One Time I Panicked So Hard I Took An Ambulance To The ER

Right now, I’m standing in the middle of an abandoned highway. The headlights on the horizon are unmistakable - my depression, barreling towards me at a blinding 100 mph. On the other side, a pair of tail lights are all that’s left of my anxiety, retreating into the darkness. I’m clutching a prescription for Ativan and discharge papers that say the same shit as every other time I’ve made my husband sit in a sterile room into the wee hours of the night with me - “ANXIETY DISORDER UNSPECIFIED”.

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My Silent Retreat Experience: Faking a Fugue State, Sex in the Informal Meditation Room, and Illegal Vlogging

Sometime in 2018, when my meditation practice was becoming more regular, my sister recommended trying a retreat. Through what I read, as well as from her expert suggestion, the Insight Meditation Society (IMS), was basically *the* place to go in the US. On an absolute whim, one random summer night around 3 am, I signed up for one.

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A Brief Intro To Mindfulness Meditation - Part Two (The Three Characteristics & Insight)

Today we’re going to talk about the Big Gun of meditation - vipassana. Vipassanā is Pali for “Insight,” and it’s what we work to develop if we hope to one day obtain enlightenment. This sounds like an absurdly lofty goal but it is absolutely obtainable. And truth be told, even if you don’t make it all the way, you will gain many other “mundane” insights and fruits that make sitting worthwhile.

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A Brief Intro To Mindfulness Meditation - Part One (Beginning & Concentration) v1.2

If you take one and only one thing away from this post, let it be this:

The most important thing is that you meditate.

How you do it, what words you use to describe it, your posture, all of that is secondary. Yeah, some styles have different focuses and once you make a habit out of “sitting” (by the way, I’ll use this term a lot but you can meditate while walking, laying down, standing - I’ve literally meditated while pumping gas before, so keep that in mind), then you can start to sift through the centuries worth of information. In the beginning, though, it’s all about getting your ass to the cushion (again, metaphor!).

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Daddy Issues

When I was eight years old, I walked into the downstairs bathroom to use the toilet. As soon as I opened the door, I was hit with a smell so fucking pungent that recalling it now leaves a taste on my tongue. Crumpled on the floor was my father’s jeans and underwear, filled with the most rancid diarrhea I’d ever laid eyes on (and almost 20 years later, I’ve yet to see a sight that compares). Hmm, hope you weren’t eating. As for me, I think this hummus can wait c:

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Therapy and The Holes

Over the course of my life, I’ve had four therapists. Two not so great, two pretty solid ones that helped me learn to take different streets. The first great one was in junior high - and while I was still a BIG OL’ MESS after I stopped seeing her, she was the one who first taught me how to take responsibility for my part in my problems and stop playing the victim. The second great one was around age 22 - his downfall is he ended up NOT accepting me as the victim when I told him about how I was raped but he is the one who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis and a really solid understanding of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools.

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SMART New Year Resolutions for the Self Loving Feminist

So long 20gayteen! Hello 20… hmm. Well, as Hayley Kiyoko said, 20gayteen never ends - “it’s the spirit within.” As for viral hashtags, well, I’ll leave the queen to that.

2019 is coming whether we like it or not and if you’re the resolution type like me, then you’ve already got some goals in mind for the upcoming year. For those of you who haven’t gotten around to scribbling hopeful lists in your journals yet, have no fear! Together we will come up with some fabulous resolutions that you’re sure to keep!

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2018: Growth. 2019: Blossom!

I had an exchange with my friend the other day that revealed to me how much I had grown. In life, in the past year, in general. I told them that I went to Goodwill to cheer myself up because I was depressed; then I admitted that I had driven around old locations in town that reminded me of people no longer in my life while listening to sad music so the only person to blame for my mood was me. As such, I concluded, it was entirely my responsibility to proactively pull myself out of that mindset and do something to make myself feel better.

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