When I was eight years old, I walked into the downstairs bathroom to use the toilet. As soon as I opened the door, I was hit with a smell so fucking pungent that recalling it now leaves a taste on my tongue. Crumpled on the floor was my father’s jeans and underwear, filled with the most rancid diarrhea I’d ever laid eyes on (and almost 20 years later, I’ve yet to see a sight that compares). Hmm, hope you weren’t eating. As for me, I think this hummus can wait c:Read More
Over the course of my life, I’ve had four therapists. Two not so great, two pretty solid ones that helped me learn to take different streets. The first great one was in junior high - and while I was still a BIG OL’ MESS after I stopped seeing her, she was the one who first taught me how to take responsibility for my part in my problems and stop playing the victim. The second great one was around age 22 - his downfall is he ended up NOT accepting me as the victim when I told him about how I was raped but he is the one who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis and a really solid understanding of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools.Read More
So long 20gayteen! Hello 20… hmm. Well, as Hayley Kiyoko said, 20gayteen never ends - “it’s the spirit within.” As for viral hashtags, well, I’ll leave the queen to that.
2019 is coming whether we like it or not and if you’re the resolution type like me, then you’ve already got some goals in mind for the upcoming year. For those of you who haven’t gotten around to scribbling hopeful lists in your journals yet, have no fear! Together we will come up with some fabulous resolutions that you’re sure to keep!Read More
I had an exchange with my friend the other day that revealed to me how much I had grown. In life, in the past year, in general. I told them that I went to Goodwill to cheer myself up because I was depressed; then I admitted that I had driven around old locations in town that reminded me of people no longer in my life while listening to sad music so the only person to blame for my mood was me. As such, I concluded, it was entirely my responsibility to proactively pull myself out of that mindset and do something to make myself feel better.Read More
Hey gang. With the holidays upon us, it’s easy to get overwhelmed so I wanted to share a quick and dirty guide to some basic Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills aimed at helping you withstand grating family members, travel anxiety and endless societal expectations making all of us feel stressed to the max. Of course, these tips will help you regardless of the time of year so feel free to bookmark and refer to this quick reference when times get tough.Read More
When I was in junior high and high school, my mother gained herself quite a bit of admiration from many of my friends. “Fucking Phyllis,” they used to say and laugh when I told them something wild she said. “I love your mom, dude.”
So did I. She was the one who instilled a healthy dose of apprehension in me, making sure I knew that the adults in my life were not infallible and that I shouldn’t be afraid to question them. In addition to my independent thinking, she encouraged me to become a voracious reader. It was her support of my sibling and I that brought a computer into the house, dial-up connection and all when I was barely old enough to form long term memories. The cow print on the box of our first Gateway PC became a well loved pattern in my childhood heart and it never would have happened without her insistence.
It's funny, depression/anxiety/etc was a fuel for my writing for so, so long. When I slept in a closet in California "Harry Potter style", complete with named spiders in my room, I had a spiral bound notebook tucked under my pillow that I wrote in whenever I felt lonely. Funnily enough, this first attempt at a novel shares a similar premise as the story I'm writing now. Some ideas just stick with you.Read More
TW: Suicide, Self harm
Someone told me once, “You taught me to love suicide.”
They went on to clarify that my intense suicidal idealization as a teenager exposed them to the fragility of life and how to face the thought of death without turning away or pretending it didn’t exist. This was a wildly profound thing to be told and obviously it stuck with me.